Wow, actually sitting down and writing a blog post after so long feels so strange and completely liberating. I love writing I really do; I wish I could do more of it. But life has decided to throw me a few curve balls and so finding the time, energy and enthusiasm is proving difficult.
What a horrendous year, filled with horrendous people and circumstances. But also some good people and good circumstances. I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact I thought I knew some people pretty well, turns out they were wearing an impressively deceiving mask all that time and certain circumstances have allowed that mask to well and truly fall away. I am very glad I am seeing people for their true selves now however.
2017 looked like it was starting off OK, in fact better than OK, until my feelings and emotions were yet again trodden all over in the usual ‘we don’t give a damn about Carlie’ fashion that I experienced in 2016.
OH WELL! I am learning, there is freedom and liberation when you finally accept you cannot change some people, and some people will never change.
Anyway, moving on. I have found myself living in a homeless shelter with my two beauties. I’ll admit, I kind of knew this was a possibility, having been left with nowhere to live last year but I had held onto the thought that the chance was small and I would be helped with finding somewhere permanent quite quickly. Turns out councils don’t quite work as fast as I had hoped – who knew?!
So in a nutshell I got thrown into a homeless shelter in September 2016 and fast forward 6 months I am still there. I am hoping I am coming to the end of that stint though, it’s pretty miserable.
The burning white lights of the corridors continue to shine in through the windows all night, the ‘neighbours’ slam their doors as they go in and out thirteen times an hour for a cigarette, the one bedroom my children and I share is spacious but my son is losing sleep thanks to the little red headed sleep thief aka his little sister. One thing I am really struggling with is lugging bags, belongings and children from the car in the carpark to my room which involves trekking along three corridors and a flight of stairs. It takes so long and leaves my arms close to falling off by the time we reach the door.
And don’t get me started on the church, which shares a boundary wall with the shelter. It looks beautiful, in fact it is beautiful. It also sounds beautiful when the church bells ring, if you’re 15 miles away from it. Being 15 FEET away from it however is a whole different story! Thursday night, until 9pm is bell practise and the night of the week I dread as there is not a hope in hell of the children falling asleep until they’re done. Sometimes, if they’re in the mood, they even start earlier than normal. Aren’t they so kind?!
I’m currently working in a job that costs me more than it pays me once you’ve deducted childcare, travel, petrol, insurance, wear and tear on the car blah blah blah. So not sure how much longer I can keep that up, despite the fact I’ve always worked and would hate to be unemployed, for too long anyway. I don’t think my nerves could take another job interview right now however!
My main income consists of benefits, and they don’t exactly leave me with much to play with. Some days are really very difficult, and there are lots of tears. Some days my mind is so full of bitter and angry emotions. Some days I laugh at people’s stupidity. And some days I wish I could just shout from the roof tops how thankful I am. I may be where I am, with no oven, no fridge or freezer space, no surface space, no washing machine, no home to call my own, no space to escape to, but this difficult time has allowed me to step back and view people and my life very differently. I know now, there is no importance in material things. I have very few belongings in my place, and a huge haul of stuff sitting in a storage unit. When I eventually have somewhere to live, I can’t help but wonder what on Earth I will do with all that stuff! I haven’t needed it for 6 months, so I don’t know what I will do with it all when I get it back. Stuff doesn’t matter anymore! My children play with empty boxes and books now, they have plenty to keep them occupied, yet I am acutely aware of the storage container hoarding mountains of toys. I’m dreading getting all my stuff back, especially as some of it holds memories and I’m quite happy at the moment not having to dwell on the past and its delightful characters too much at the moment.
I have taken up yoga, meditation and am connecting with my spiritual side again (even if some days I feel like screaming at past loved ones who could maybe step in and help right about now?!) and I have met new people and new friends. I feel like my mind has been blown wide open and the last chapter of my life was one big chaotic mess surrounded by false, negative and dark people – so thank God I am here I suppose! Now I have clarity, now I see how calculated some people can be and I am very much aware of how I do not want to parent my children if they have any hope of being good people.
The future sees me and my two children living in a place we can call home, a lovely garden to enjoy the summer in, flowers and plants growing in all corners, friends, family, a new partner, a new chapter. I feel like now I would see negative people coming at me from a mile away and am so fiercely protective over my children and their well-being that I could turn my back and move on from less than healthy people with confidence.
Thankfully I know that I can hold my head up high, knowing that delusion and avoiding the truth can only take you so far in life, and my kind caring attitude will serve me good. I deserve good things, I deserve a good life, I deserve to be happy and so do my children.
This time next week I will be writing from my new home, in Florida, by the beach – because tonight Matthew we are winning the lottery. Positive thoughts!